rules for the corporate bureaucrat

There are RULES every fledgeling corporate bureaucrat must recognize and obey. The RULES are never spoken of (see the FIGHT CLUB RULE, which is hereby broken), yet every youngster with a steaming fresh economics degree looking for a position in any corporation are expected to know them by heart, by genetics, as must anyone with a high school diploma (most likely averaging C-) applying for lower positions such as customer service jobs, janiting or general ass-sucking. The RULES are simple in their specificness, yet complex in their inconsistency. Here follows the rules, so that you may know them, alas without the proper meter and rhyme.

There is the FIGHT CLUB RULE; you shall not speak of the RULES. If you defy this RULE, people will pretend they do not understand you or worse; agree with you and establish that the world is shit and injustice is everywhere but wacha gonna do?

There is the RULE OF THE INTELLECT; you shall not use your intellect to read anything but e-mail, TV guides or subtitles (IKEA assembly manuals are excepted, since they contain no text). Similarly, you shall not write anything that is not directly associated with the read part of the RULE OF THE INTELLECT; crossword puzzles and semi-funny e-mails to coworkers are accepted but not subtitles. Most of your intellectual power should be spent on television (see the RULE OF TELEVISION) and to find ways up the corporate ladder (see the RULE OF SOLIDARITY).

There is the RULE OF THE LIBIDO; you shall make constant jokes about sex - the sleazier the better - yet never imply that you are actually having sex. You shall at all cost act like purity embodied, regardless of how many one-night stands you have during the weekends. You shall act like children are concieved by parthogenesis (either in the biological or the religious sense, depending on your personal taste). If you should get pregnant (and you must live with the father/mother, everything else is unthinkable - see the RULE OF THE SPOUSE), you shall be revered as holy and beautiful until about two weeks after you have given birth, on which point you and your offspring becomes old news. Also, homosexuality does not exist.

There is the RULE OF THE SPOUSE; you shall have one, or your status in the group will suffer greatly. If the majority of your coworkers are of the same sex as you, you shall constantly bad-mouth your spouse, calli him/her the most terrible names behind him/her back and constantly have loud arguments with him/her in the company telephone. If the opposite is true; if the majority of the coworkers are of the opposite sex, you shall speak of the great love of your life that is your spouse and almost break out in tears over his/her eternal beauty, no matter if you cheat on, abuse, hate and/or cares nothing for him/her. The RULE OF THE SPOUSE is very flexible and would require many, many, many pages to describe. A thumb rule is if it is hypocritical, then it is probably true. Also, and it cannot be stressed enough; homosexuality does not exist.

There is the RULE OF TELEVISION; you shall consume enormous amounts of televised junk. Almost everything is allowed; movies, soap operas, news broadcasts and documentaries but absolutely not pornography or cultural programmes. Besides those things, there can be as much fucking or cultural thingamagogs you like. Genre is everything; content is not. Also, here homosexuality can exist and can actually be quite thrilling, especially when it's someone like Brad Bitt having sex with someone like George Clooney, or even better; someone like Britney Spears having sex with someone like Angelina Jolie.

There is the RULE OF APPEARANCE; you shall be sexy. The more beautiful you are, the more recognition you will get. If you are ugly, you have to make fun of your or, even better, other people's flaws. If you are fat (which is the same as ugly, only worse), you need to be on constant diets. Fat people are disgusting. Fat people eating nutricious food is revolting. Expensive and fashionable clothes can greatly enhance your beauty, especially if they are revealing, as can make-up and a pretty spouse.

There is the RULE OF LAUGHTER; you shall be funny. What counts as funny is very specific; making remarks about ugly people who are not in the room is funny. Quoting humor sites such as tjuvlyssnat.se is very funny. Doing imitations (however badly) of Family Guy or The Simpsons characters is hilarious. If you are funny and sexy (see the RULE OF APPEARANCE), you become a total stud/babe and everyone of the opposite sex (because homosexuality does not exist) will start to rub you with their genitals, not because they want to have sex with you (because one does not have sex; see the RULE OF THE LIBIDO), but because you are a stud/babe and that is what one does with studs/babes. If you are a stud/babe, you can get away with any mistake and still get a raise. Also, anyone not rubbing their genitals on the nearest stud/babe or who does not laugh at their imitations and quotes is a bad person, a sourball and gets a little bit uglier.

There is the RULE OF SOLIDARITY; you shall be solidaric to the corporation you work for. The corporation is what brings everyone together to the laughing, sexy, beautiful, rubbing family that is your workplace. The corporation signs your paycheck. The corporation is serious and important and nothing else is - at least not during office hours. Therefore it is okay to step on your coworkers, use them as doormats, to wipe of your semi-expensive shoes on them and then use them as steps in the corporate ladder. There is a reward up there somewhere, above those dark yet shiny stairs. It is unclear what the reward is because people say things like "money does not matter". There are great names up there among the stars; names such as Bill Gates and Donald Trump and people named Wallenberg. They are successful, beautiful and mysterious, and the all started from being very poor, creating their own happiness with their great minds. This is solidarity. However, you shall join a union because then you get free home insurance.

There is the RULE OF CONVICTION; you shall believe things without any evidence, simply because belief is good. Opinions are sacred and one must have opinions about everything, regardless of how much knowledge you have of the subject. Science, religion, politics; nothing shall be too high or too low for your narrow little mind. You shall believe in "alternative" methods, since they are marketed as ancient chinese medicine (if someone says ancient chinese medicine is good, and claims knocking on your muscles is ancient chinese medicine, then knocking on your muscles must be good since ancient chinese medicine is good). You shall be slightly right-wing, since money is good and right-wing politics is all about money. Establish common opinions with your coworkers. Anyone challenging this, can be punished (see the RULE OF PUNISHMENT). You may never change your opinions, regardless of how much evidence contradicts them.

There is the RULE OF THE SIMPLE; you shall only attempt understand simple things that require little energy and cognitive capacity. Everything else is bad.

There is the RULE OF THE WEIRD; you shall not be strange. However, you can have charming quirks, as long as they are not strange. You shall know instinctively what strange is and what strange is not. As for interests and opinions, something that can not be explained in ten words or less is considered strange (see the RULE OF THE SIMPLE). It is best if personal things need not to be explained at all, for example; "I like to play video games" or "I think cats are sweet". There is a gray-area in this rule. If you are not quite strange but not quite un-strange either, you can be considered a "deep one". "Deep ones" can be funny, since they speak of funny things that cannot be understood quickly. Since such things cannot be worth anything (see the RULE OF THE SIMPLE), it must be funny (allthough not in the RULE OF LAUGHTER sense), provided that it is not scary or too true. Then it is strange, which is bad.

There is the NICE RULE; you shall be nice and friendly toward your coworkers, even when you are mean.

There is the RULE OF GROUP MENTALITY; you shall be social and spend time with your coworkers. It is not acceptable to eat lunch, drink coffee or do anything else alone at work. All breaks must be spent with your coworkers. Every deviation from this rule increases your weirdness (see the RULE OF THE WEIRD) and decreases your general
status within the group.

There is the RULE OF PUNISHMENT; you shall receive punishment if you break any of the RULES. Punishment can include anything from subtle remarks to expulsion from the group, as long as the NICE RULE is not broken. The strongest punishment is having you fired, which can be accomplished by manipulating you and your boss, making you look bad by not informing you of vital information, causing you to make mistakes. This is not av violation of the NICE RULE if the punishment is given 1) with your best interests in mind and 2) not entirely consciously.


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